Is it me?

But why didn’t you tell me?

It’s the typical response when you begin to disclose incidents that occurred during the relationship. It’s completely understandable too, I think I would be the same. I’d feel so guilty if I thought that my friend or family member couldn’t tell me that they had been suffering, in any capacity, let alone in a situation where they should feel so safe & secure.

Have I done enough? Am I safe enough friend for them? Should I have noticed? Should I have done more? … The answer is yes, yes, no, no, you are & always have been enough. It’s not you, it’s not your friend. It is the relationship & the person that is controlling that relationship.

And sometimes? Sometimes it’s more complicated than that.

For me, I was being told so many conflicting things.

You bruise easily

You made me do it

I would never purposely hurt you

I’ve never been like this with anyone else

I’ve never loved anyone else like I love you

I love you

I’m going to marry you

You will be r*ped again in your lifetime

You don’t care about me

You don’t care about the children

I’m the only person who will love you despite all of your flaws

No one else will love you like me

You’re a silly cow

You’ll never know how many times I r*ped you

I was joking

You know me, I would never do that

Do you really think I’m capable of that?

You’re a c*nt

You’re psychotic

You’re mental

You’re crazy

No really, you’re mental

You’re confused

I’m so proud of you

You’re the best step-mum to our children

I’ve been looking at engagement rings, for you

My goose

I am in love with you Emma

I was convinced. I was convinced that what happened wasn’t abuse. Okay yes, maybe I do bruise easily. Okay yes, I have lost a lot of weight recently so maybe I am more fragile so fall more easily when I’m touched, he didn’t mean to ‘move’ me like that. Okay yes, I did shout back & become defensive so that must have been difficult for him, he didn’t want to touch me. Okay yes, I didn’t phone him during my lunch break at work (when I was still working) so of course he would worry about me. Even though I emailed him to let him know I was safe. Okay yes, I was later back than expected & hadn’t been physically around when he was having a difficult day so he has every right to be angry. Okay yes, I am a silly cow. Okay yes, I told him I was going back to my parents. Okay yes, he has told me that he is triggered by people leaving so that’s why he locked me in the house, threw my shoes across the room & somehow my finger ended up swollen, my lip split. Okay yes, he says if he wanted to have sex me he’d just have his way with me so that incident, that wasn’t r*pe. Okay yes, he did say he doesn’t have female friends so when he looked through my phone & had an argument with me for texting my male friend, it would make sense. I was aggravating the situation. I don’t need male friends. Okay yes, I left my Apple Watch when I ran away after I was ‘touched’ (never hit, he told me he did not hit me) in the face, he says it’s normal to go through emails, messages, call logs, reply to WhatsApp messages when I’m not there & don’t know it is happening. Okay yes, I’m being too protective of my friends. Okay yes, he says sex helps him destress so I need to understand that it is something he needs, even at 5am when you’re getting ready for a shift at work. Okay yes, I am too ambitious. Okay yes, maybe having career goals is an ‘ick’. Okay yes, I should want to spend 24/7 with him & only him. Okay yes, friends & family don’t matter. Okay yes, I am stupid. Okay yes, I am too friendly. Okay yes, I care too much. Okay yes, I put too much effort into work. Okay yes, I am too emotional. Okay yes, I was exaggerating when I thought he was going to murder me, As I sat in the pitch black in mud, with no phone or car keys, by a lake, with no one else around. Okay yes, I am too much.

But, I was never ‘just’ hit outright, or punched, or slapped, or kicked, or beaten until I had black eyes. My arm didn’t get broken. Neither did my legs. I didn’t have to cover bruises on my face up with make up. He didn’t do any of this without reason. I was too much & that’s why he reacted as he did. It wasn’t abuse. It isn’t. Is it?

I was ashamed. I didn’t think the behaviour was right. If nothing else, it was upsetting & it scared me BUT it wasn’t him. He told me that. And, I was the reason he was doing this. I was ashamed. I couldn’t speak to my family. I couldn’t speak to my friends. What if they agreed with him & I was the monster he said I was, or the child he said I acted like. Or worse, what if they told me it was wrong & convinced me to leave? I couldn’t leave. I was here to protect the man who told me he needed a safe space, who needed help & said he would get it. I was helping him face his fears, challenge thoughts & reactions. I couldn’t leave. He told me how he loved me & had never loved anyone like me. He wanted to marry me, No one would ever love me like he did, that’s what he told me. I was ashamed. I had faced so much in my life & I would have recognised abuse. This wasn’t abuse. This relationship was fine. It was normal. I caused those reactions. It was my fault.

This isn’t abuse.

I can’t tell anyone, it isn’t abuse. He doesn’t mean to be physical. It isn’t abuse. He doesn’t mean to isolate me. He doesn’t mean to make me feel so worthless & low that suicide seems like a better option than staying in the relationship. But contemplating simply leaving the relationship? That wasn’t possible, I was his now. And, he loved me, he said. As soon as I stood up for myself, he would smear me & he would become an unrecognisable person. He became so nasty. But it wasn’t abuse. It only happened because he cared.

So no, I couldn’t tell anyone because it wasn’t him, it was me.

How do I explain to you that I’m terrified, in pain, shock, depressed, hurt, fearful of the person who tells me that they love me? How do I explain that, to my very core, I believe him when he is telling me that I am the problem? How do I ask you for help?

E x